Helpline: 0092 331 582 4542 (whattsapp and Viber)
Skype id: shaynelglynahmed
My Life Story
What would I say to my teenage daughters, if they were in front of me now? I would say,……Dear Sapha and Emmy,
I was so hoping this would be the start of a journey, an exciting time for us – where we got to know each other, all over again. That we would be allowed to make up for the lost years. I am coming back soon, and I wanted to use this time for us to catch up - email, chat and build up to meeting each other.
I thought by now, we would be emailing each other regularly, and moved on to whattsapp messages, and sent little jokes and messages and clips to each other ….and when you were ready, to send me voice notes…I am so excited, but shy too…I want to hear your voices, share things with you – school, your friends, your dreams, what you like to eat, what you like to do, what you want to be when you grow up….what kind of music you like? Just ‘getting to know you’ bit by bit, at YOUR pace.., and when you were ready, moved on from emails, to whattsapp messages, on to voice notes, to actual calls, and finally video calls – where we can see each other too!!
I bought those diamond pendants for you – and I was not sure about the earrings – I don’t even know if your ears are pierced. Are they? I want to buy matching rings – I love those unusual Italian designed pendants and earrings, and I want the rings to be unusual, but I don’t know your ring size. May be you can go to H Samuels, or any English Jewelry shop – and they can use a “ring sizer” – and measure your fingers – and I can get the right size diamond rings for you.
I have bought unusual Pakistani gold jewelry for you – East meets West type of designs – but the English gold really holds the diamonds, and precious stones – the Emeralds and Sapphire’s in place – so they don’t fall out.
I am buying clothes for you, in Pakistan – but I don’t know what size you are. In English clothes are you 10, 12 or 14? I can sew too! Yes, make shalwar Kamiz, capris, tulip shalwars (I have bought some for you) I wanted to buy Matalan coats for you – really great quality… but did not know your size.....and once I packed a huge box full of Matalan white fur bolero jackets, pink jeans with a silver belt, pink cashmere jumpers with silvery highlights, matching hand bags, books – just all kinds of things…Patrick sent the box back to me – he picked out the boring books – and sent you those..It broke my heart…he said the box was “inappropriate” that I could only send one small gift each.
I know you are both different – it’s why I wanted you to express your own opinions on how you wanted to start contact: I thought telephone calls would be “ safer “ – less stressful, but I got the idea from an experienced child welfare professional who suggested letters are best to start with– I was a little resistant, but I listened, and it made sense the way it was explained : – that where there has been no contact, writing (emailing in our case – because I am abroad) – is a relaxed way for everyone to build trust and a relationship. I wanted you to each be free to choose your own pace – and I would respect that. That’s why I suggested emails and “chat”, mobile phone messaging, etc - as a fun way to get to know each other, building up to telephone and video calls – all at your own individual pace. Face to face (in person)– when you are ready!
In America, where I used to live, people are really aware – that the person who goes to a Counselor – is not the person with the actual “problem”. The real problem is the miserable selfish person(s) – who made EVERYONE else miserable and sad. So yes, I also think we should have counseling which is GREAT! Maybe even have counseling together, I loved my Counselor. It’s amazing how they show you the same circumstances – but in a different way – and it takes the pain away. Counseling helps ‘fortify’, and keep your life’s compass pointing in the right direction.
I trained in hypnosis with Paul McKenna in London and Dublin. His Exam and Self Confidence CD’s are amazing – just put your headphones on, lay down, drift off to sleep – and the healing hypnosis does the job! The “Exam Busters – Accelerated Learning CD’s” are awesome. If you have difficulty studying and revising – this hypnosis makes acing exams effortless! I used it, when I was going through a rough patch, and studying at the same time – I passed all my exams –with great results! I still use the Exam Busters Accelerated Learning CD’s – for court work etc… (Because I am so emotionally shattered –without it, I could not string two sentences together).
Havening – here is a quick technique – it’s called Havening. It’s a 10-15 minute exercise – whilst you are awake – and in the privacy of your own room. I tried it – it really helped me focus and instantly feel better, confident, and “let go” of what was bothering me – and helped me “let go”. It’s by my former Instructor – Paul McKenna (on YouTube)
Contact by telephone, or face to face - believe me – it’s frightening for me too! I have waited for the day forever, when I could throw my arms around you, and start laughing and loving again. However, the last time I saw Emmy, you were three – and I was singing “The Grand Olde Duke of York” to you, and reading nursery books, whilst you sat in my lap. Saph, you were four years old, and cuddling me in the “bed’…we had glue, glitter, paint, blew bubbles, played with play dough…and you were “mummy’s little helpers”…’we sang this is the way we wash our hands” and giggled, I bought you Barbie scooters, fairy dresses, a TV Video Combo.. Now, you must be as tall as me – I am 5’1” …how tall are you? You are teenagers; eleven long years have gone by. I have missed so much of you growing up. I wanted so much for us to catch up.I wanted us to plan what we would do. How we would spend time together. Spending as much time as you were comfortable with, and being flexible around your school commitments. Just anything and everything – grabbing a cheese and onion pasty – staying in – ordering a pizza, going to a restaurant – going to watch a movie. You could even have your own room – decorated the way you want it – for when you were ready, and wanted to stay over.
Saph, you may be struggling a little, but it’s ok. You have been to hell and back. With your experiences, you would make a great counselor, or a social worker. There are so many GREAT social workers – so committed because their own life experiences taught them this should never happen to another child. Police officers too, many of them had troubled backgrounds, and they want to help put the world right. It was like that for me as a Paramedic. I have watched you help kids in the park, who fall, or are crying, and you run to comfort them. Remember, in our Islamic tradition, you were given a “taste of honey” as a baby, in a ceremony, by His Honour Judge Tahir Khan Queens Counsel Barrister! He is famous – Google him! (You know, he was in foster care as a child?). Law, being a solicitor and a Barrister, are another way to use your experiences to put things right.
I am really pleased you enjoyed your work experience? Did you deliver any babies? Or help with delivery? I had to learn that too – and I will never forget the first baby I delivered. It’s an amazing experience.
Emmy, you were given your “taste of honey” by a lady called Tamina, she is related to me. She has her Master’s Degree in Forensic Criminology! She came from a broken home, and was in foster care, but she fought in a silent – (and every other which way) – to bring her family back together. To protect her children, her brothers and sisters – and to succeed.
I read that you play the key board – I wonder – what do you play? What music? I have not read anywhere what you want to be when you grown up. I would be pleased for you both to go to University – and even spend time living in student’s accommodation. I know I would miss you and worry – but you need to be confident to go out in the world, and learn those skills at every opportunity.
I am a great tutor, and can really help with school work and exams. Math’s is not one of my greatest subjects. It’s important for a lot of careers – although not all of them.
One day, I had this urge – overwhelming – something just told me I would find you. I scrambled all over the internet – and finally – about to give up – I went to your school website – and I recognized Saph – right away!!! I cried and laughed – I kissed you – well, I kissed my computer monitor…I printed the picture – I have had it forever. I made a promise to Val (she had a good honest heart – that’s why she is now gone…) – that I would change my website, and I even took down recent pictures, and said I would not put any more recent pictures up. I never put that picture up, and I kept my promise. I removed names - everything, to respect your privacy. I found a few pictures today on the site, and blurred your images. That was a horrible feeling – blotting and “painting” out my own children’s faces. I hope I NEVER have to do that again. Would not wish that on any mum. Am I still your mum, too?
Now, as I am writing this, I have your pictures – the ones dad and Ayaz gave me – they are color printed on A4 paper – and taped above my computer table – they keep moving every now and then, because of the fans, and I look up – and it makes me smile – and it’s like you are smiling back at me – and moving towards me!
I will be honest – for most of the last 11 years – I could not bear to have your pictures out – I would get so sad. I would keep them under my pillow, and on days when I could find the strength –I would look at them and kiss them, and try to imagine...
I miss you – really miss you. So much, it hurts until I can’t bear it. Nothing takes away the emptiness and pain. Every single night, I go to bed, fighting tears. I pray and do dua – and BEG Allah to be allowed to see you and talk to you – if only in my dreams, that night.
I have that brown teddy, and another little fluffy one – you have played with both of them, and I have kept them all these years – and that red velvet dress – those are things that you have touched, and I hold on to those, to find a way –any way – to be close to you, to have something of the essence of you to cuddle and hold.
I close my eyes, and try to imagine you, now 14 and 15 years old, laying next to me…but I can’t hold that image for long – I have not seen your faces, heard your voices, or held you since you were three and four years old. The images I imagine of you as teenagers slips away, too quickly, and I am back to where time stood still for me – and you were just toddlers…. sometimes the memories go further back, and it’s a safe time, Sapha , you are 11 months old, and Emma, 15 days old.
I am holding Sapha, I have a beautiful wooden rocking chair, and I am rocking as I gave you your last bottle for the night…you would catch a stray wisp of my hair, and wrap it around your finger, as I gently rocked and lulled you to sleep, singing nursery rhymes I made up. I would feel the weight of you as you relaxed into a deep peaceful sleep. Fast asleep in my arms. I would hold you and gently lift you into your cot…face down …like a rabbit – it’s the way you slept. There are so many times I would go to your room – watch you safely sleeping in your cot – and say to you “Thank you. Thank you for being MY baby, for being in MY life”.
I would then go to Emmy; you are asleep in your Moses Basket. I check on you, and go have something to eat. As soon as you wake up, I would go to you, holding and soothing you. Everything is still new for you; you are only 15 days old.
Sometimes, I go further back, when you were the safest, and were growing inside me, moving and kicking. At hospital, they put a fetal monitor on me – and the Consultant came and checked – she said that Saph’s heart rate was “dipping” with each contraction – and wanted to operate on me right away. I was awake during the C-section – and suddenly there was the sound of the screaming of a baby – I looked around – and the nurse was holding Saph – you were wriggling and punching the air – so tiny – very little hair – and all eyes- looking straight at me – annoyed and pouting! You settled down – they stitched me up as I held you – you were beautiful. My world was complete! You stayed curled up, in the foetal position for 4 months.
I fell in love with your name – when I was in the USA, I was friends with a doctor couple (husband and wife) – and they had twin girls, and that’s where I heard your name first. I promised, if I ever had a daughter, that’s what I would name her. With Emmy, I was pregnant when I went on a training workshop with Paul McKenna. He asked if I had picked a name – I told him “No”. He said “Ask your unborn baby”. I thought that was strange, but when I went to bed that night, I asked you, Emmy, what should I name you? That night, I saw you – a beautiful baby – thick patch of hair, long legs – and you said “Joy”. Well, I found out that the name I gave you – means “Joy” in Punjabi.
Emmy, Oh Lord – you were in no hurry to come out in the world. I was in labour for a week! I was in and out of hospital. Finally – the consultant said we were BOTH exhausted, and this might result in foetal distress, which can cause serious problems. They operated on me. You were so exhausted – you were taken out of me, fast asleep. You had the thickest dark hair, you looked huge, and you immediately stretched out your legs – very straight, not curled up at all. The doctor operating was alarmed – she said we were BOTH lucky to be alive. That my uterus was so weak – it could have ruptured, and both of us lost our lives, anytime, in minutes! I had not slept for several weeks – just a few hours each night – but I could not sleep –I was worried about you –you were snoozing away (I guess you were real tired – you know a mother’s contractions pummel, and wear out a baby, too).
I got a few hours sleep, and then called the midwife – Caroline. I told her I was worried. She checked on you – and said you are fine. You finally woke up – HUNGRY! Gemmy – you could get into “attack” mode – if you were peckish!! I held you close and fed you.
There is another letter I wrote years ago – I am not sure if you received it – I will make sure it’s private – and put it up. It gives you lots of details about how special you are to me.
In the beginning – when my world turned upside down - I could not even cry and scream – the neighbours would have heard me, and called the police thinking something had happened to me. Sometimes, I would get in my car and drive – and, in the privacy of my car – I would scream and scream and scream until my stomach muscles cramped, to try and let just some of the pain out. I went through extreme self harming – without any help or support. Really extreme. My body had injuries. I was so alone, so lonely, the pain so intense. No one listened to me – and then I lost my voice- I could not speak, I stammered, or just a squeak came out. Why should I talk? No-one listened.I pulled my hair out, strand by strand, until I had bald patches everywhere. I stopped eating – I could only eat toast. My teeth and bones crumbled, and I was then headed for a wheelchair.
I had, Complex Post Traumatic Disorder – this is where it’s not just one horrible event – but lots of horrible things happen, back to back, and the person is trapped and powerless – like a prisoner. In fact – hostages have it. To survive, they shut off – lose several hours- even days- at a time – just unable to do anything, to organise. Just like being on a sinking ship on a dark stormy night - waiting to be rescued – and no help arrives. Self harming – that comes from having such overwhelming emotional pain – that I needed a “physical” injury too, to let out the pain, or show the pain – even to myself.
Every day – I have to wake up, with my waking thoughts of you – how you are, where you are, and another lonely, pain filled day. I have learned to become numb to get through the day.
Today was especially tough – Eid. I can’t celebrate anything without you– birthdays, Eid, or weddings –I woke up with tears in my eyes. I hugged both teddies – and kissed them Eid Mubarak – and quickly walked away. I kept the curtains drawn all day –and sat alone. My mum used to make halwa puri EVERY Eid, and the first two Eids me and Saph were together – I made it – and let her nibble on Halwa and puri..dad says you sometimes ask for that on the weekends.
I used to be the life and soul of get together’s – at family weddings – I was always the first one up to dance! I get told I am a good dancer.
Jugni, my cat – she puts a little routine in my life. I love her – she is JUST like the cat in the cat vs. Baby clip – attacks the same way too…I was sad when you blocked that. It was hard having that door slammed in my face. I hold Jugni, in my arms like a baby, I still need to do that, to have the comfort of a holding a baby in my arms…maybe I always will.
The Order stops me from contacting you directly or indirectly – except through the Council – and only twice a year. It does REALLY hurt that I have never received a letter from you, not a birthday card, e-card, thank you card – nothing at all. Before I even buy anything for you – I have to shut down emotionally –I don’t even know if it will be given to you. panic when I have to write letters – there is no privacy – it’s sick that other people read them, and I don’t know if you will be even be given my letters. I wrote to you in November 2016 – and I was told in May 2017 – that it was given to you - that. You had a Review in September 2016 – But I was never given the Reports. You had a Review in January 2017 – and I was given the Report in April 2017.In this section, I don’t want to talk about other people, or those troubles – but I want you to know that being kept in the dark – not told anything – no letters to look forward to – being shut out or shut down – it’s wrong. It’s torture. People tell me – “Your kids must hate you” – otherwise they would know they have a legal right to contact you – anytime they want – as much as they want. There is nothing stopping them.
When I was five, my mum went to Pakistan for a year, and we - two of my brothers and I, we lived with my dad. He was really caring and loving. But I remember feeling so “different” from every other child at school – because I did not have a mummy. So sad and alone. Unloved. I used to come downstairs at night – and sit on the steps outside, crying– and every time an airplane went by – I would wave and call to mummy to come home. I was too young to understand she was not on that plane, and could not hear me.
I think I had some behavioural problems in school, I remember being asked to paint –and I must have drawn a house, with dad and us inside – and an airplane – and then I would blot the whole picture out – paint over everything. I must have been blocking out the sadness. They used to spank in school in those days – and I got hit, and that made me sadder. Hitting – dragging and manhandling children is so wrong.
When my mum did come back – I was so happy – and very angry too. The biggest swear word I knew was “donkey” – so I called her a donkey – and ran up the stairs and hid. So if you get mad at me, or the situation, and say hurtful things, its ok. I understand, or try to. The first thing I think is that my child must be hurting so much – to say those things. But I need the privacy and respect of you saying those things directly to me. That’s the way it should be.
I remember this social worker who became a second wife to a Muslim man, a Pakistani. Out of revenge, she got his kids taken from him, and placed with her. My aunty, who lives in London, told me, because I had met this social worker and her husband 25 years ago. The real mother would be standing at a bus top, and the social worker would drive by with the Pakistani wife’s teenage daughters in the car – and they would swear at their own mother and all laugh at her. I was so sad – I told her “my daughters won’t ever do that. I would rather die first – I would wish the ground swallowed me up alive, first”. But the way things are going - Is that what you are planning on doing to me? If it is – then just tell me yourself.
It’s rubbing my face in it to tell me I am nothing. That you receive photographs from other people – that you MUST travel abroad to see, but you can’t see that I send you my heart – and I am NOT worth it for you to even send me two letters a year – or even a small card –it does not cross your mind as being cruel and hurtful? That you don’t even want to “think about” contact with me for another year? Another 365 days and nights of anguish for me? Would you have said that – if you knew I wanted us to email first – so that it’s easy for you – does not unsettle you??
You should see how happy certain individuals get – when they tell me things like this. Emmy wants a SINGLE telephone call – to tell me to get the website deleted – and to really get lost. If you want to tell me anything – do it yourself. Get it over with. I can take it. Try and understand how it’s degrading having other people do the abusing for you. I only have two contacts a year – you have an UNLIMITED number of times you can contact me – Do it!! – and tell me whatever you want. I will listen, and it won’t change how I feel about you. I will love and respect you for it. You know in the letters I write, I am not allowed to tell you how much I really love and miss you? How sad I am, without you?
My children, both of you, did not deserve what happened, and is happening to us. I did not deserve it. But it’s my job to love and understand your needs first.
Much later, when I was a teenager, my mum only started paying attention to me –so that I would marry her nephew in Pakistan, and give him a British visa. When I did not do exactly what she wanted – she rejected me. She did this through a big part of my adult life. There was a time when yes, I said to her – “You are NOT my mother”. Thankfully, I had the benefit of Counseling. Later, when she was old, she realised her mistakes –but she kept doing it – she could not change – but I had changed. I accepted that was who she was. I respected her – but protected myself. Everyone told her – because she loved my sister and brothers more than me – that I was the one who loved her, and was most loyal. In her final years, she loved me the most – I was the most caring.
Our case is different. I have and I will – risk everything for you. I always have. I can’t change – I protected total strangers in the line of duty, how can I do less for my own daughters? Everyone tells me to get married – I have lots of proposals, from lawyers, Army Officers, rich business men. But I tell them no, I have two daughters. Female children should not be exposed to other men. I want to focus totally on my children – not stress them with a “step parent”. My friends say how long will I wait for you both?
When I was so anguished, that I could not imagine this pain and emptiness forever, I said until they are 12 or 13 years old. if they have not made contact with me – I will take that as a final decision – that they are happy – and have forgotten me, and don’t love me– and I will ‘remarry’ or work in some capacity – dedicating myself to the welfare of children. Then, the nightmares started – I would see all kinds of frightening images of you in distress. Then the buildup of an explosive situation at home – injury – court proceedings…and I could not “leave you alone”… Ignored by everyone – I made 30 calls from Pakistan before I got through to Kate and Nafisa…
People live approximately to the age of 60-70 years? Right?
I remember telling someone when I was 20 years old, how mum and dad had “ruined my life”. I was told ok. Circumstances may have been bad for the last 20 years – but what was I going to do with the next 20 years? I was now free to make my own future. That helped me a lot.
15 years is a long time – but don’t let the past rob you of a future. Make the next 15 years, the best years of your life.
The most severe emotional abuse – is to separate a child from their parent – especially their loving parent. It’s called Parental Alienation (PA). Half of that child’s DNA – and self identity comes from that parent. Cruelly separate a child from its parent, deny them contact (even to write or send photographs) – and the emotional abuse makes that child so damaged, and full of hate and destructive emotions, and causes her to hate herself –because she is a part of that parent.
If you hate her parent – you hate her. It is impossible for someone to love the child of someone they hate.
To deny a child a “Life Story” – a full clear explanation for denying them contact with a parent is severe emotional abuse. It causes a child to have confused angry relationships with other adults, in their personal and professional life. It causes low self esteem, self harming, drug addiction, relationship problems throughout every aspect of their life. Forever – if it is not treated. If there was a real “danger” – then you would have been told, and you would know your Life Story.
Teaching a child to hate the other parent – and cling to the “bully”, even when that bully beats you and your own sister, and separates you from a normal relationship with both your parents – teaching that the other parent is stupid, or lazy, or circulating rumours to control the other parent(s) – telling authorities that the other parent(s) is “dangerous” for the children, exploiting that child to do and say what the bully wants – is called Parental Alienation Syndrome – PAS. Parents, step parents, social workers, Guardians – can all help cause PA and PAS emotional abuse in children.
Everyone has presented a huge story that I am causing you emotional harm and abusing you, by having a website. But no one mentions there is a section called “Life Story” – which you have a legal and human right to know.I am sorry if anything I posted online has hurt you. I have tried to be careful and not use swear or crude words to any one – and I have tried to hold back my feelings, and just present the facts.
If I don’t have the website – I have nothing. No voice, I just disappear even further, off the face of the earth.
I appreciate that reading it that way – was not ideal. But not knowing at all must have been horrible. No one has ever pointed to ANYTHING and said it is a “lie”. They have had enough opportunity to do that. You have had enough time, and must have asked for and seen EVERY single contact record, written by hand (over 500 hours, about 300 Contacts, over three years). I still have every single handwritten record of Contact.
The Judgment and the “skull fracture” – what I said is true – you know that now, as well. You must have asked for the applications regarding being Anchor Babies. The Reports of Roziya, and statements about how both of them exploited you as anchor babies – yes, SHE did as well. Well, all of that will go up – without any names or identifying details. You should have seen and been provided with enough evidence that I ALWAYS loved and cared for you. What I am saying is true. Certainly – no one can show you anything to say I am wrong or unfair.
Stay in counseling – ask your GP to refer you for Counseling – and your Counselor will help you heal from it – before more damage is done. He will know what to do. It’s not about blaming anyone – but about learning survival and healing tools. Damage like that creates vulnerability in children – it’s like software on a computer – you become programmed to think abusive situations and people are “ok”. You become attracted to people like that. It’s a vicious cycle.That’s why so many children in care and children’s homes become victims of abusers – they have not been given a solid foundation of stability and love and care – so they still need love – and go “looking for love” in all the wrong places.
Saph, you suffered clinical Failure to Thrive after they took you from me, and again when they placed you in Leeds. Surely you asked for all your medical and HV records? Seen for yourself?
Children who have suffered FTT once – are at very high risk of severe emotional damage throughout life. You suffered it twice. FTT is not from an occasional shouting – or even shouting 10% of the time – it’s from neglect of your emotional and physical needs 90% of the time.
Tell your GP – you were moved about – taken from me, and placed in a household where you suffered a lot of neglect and FTT, you were then placed in another household for a short time, then again with Sheree and her little son Levy (you two were such good friends. Sheree really took care of you – and you gained weight and both became happier), then you were sent to live in Leeds – and suffered FTT.
I remember as babies and toddlers, when you were moved around, you did not understand what was going on – you were too young – and it was frightening for you. Really traumatic. Saph, you would wail and whimper, your skin would become dark and sallow, but Emmy – you would go quiet, and have a serious look on your face and become very still and withdrawn. and get chest infections – from bottling it all in.
In some ways – you have not changed. You both seem to react the same way. In 2012 – when you saw me – Saph, you reacted by voicing your distress and begging and pleading, sleepless nights, and acting out. Emmy bottled it in. When I see you now, 5 years later, doing the same thing and pleading with the same set of people who did not listen in 2012 – and are not listening now – I cannot blame those people. A leopard does not change its spots. I just pray that my own children grow up, and I worry, thinking “When will my daughters ever learn?” That if something does not work – don’t do it. Don’t waste valuable time and energy! Stop trying to bang a square peg into a round hole.
Try something different. OTHER KIDS the same age and younger than you have!!
The same with Emmy. Clamming up. That’s not normal. Saph got referred for help after I got Mash involved. You were referred also, for having difficulty expressing your feelings. You must go to your GP – get a referral – and tell them why MASH said so in June 2016. They referred you and Saph. Your GP will know what to do.
MASH – Kate and Nafisa – also wrote about the effects of emotional harm being caused by you both not having a Life Story explanation, and being separated from your mum. Explain to your GP – you have been separated from your mum – denied all contact – cannot write to her, send her gifts or photographs – even though a Judge said you can. All without a Life Story. Work this through in Counseling. You are old enough to “instruct” a solicitor – you are old enough to have your own GP and other professionals help you, to help yourself. Tell them how it felt – to see your sister beaten and how you felt when it happened to you. The feeling of being trapped. No one listening. No one giving explanations.
Explain to your GP, that it hurts being told, (because you do know it is the truth) about being an Anchor Baby. It does not mean there is something wrong with you – how could it?? Babies are innocent – but not people who look at a baby and see “British passports”, and a free loader life on benefits.
I know what it’s like to be an “Anchor Baby”, because it happened to me, in a way. My dad did not work. I went without many basic things and experiences that other children had, whose dads worked. My mum worked, and I always respected her for that. I promised I would always have enough money so that my kids did not feel second class, or used. It’s the parent’s job to provide for the children, not sit back and get benefit money, including for the children, and live off them.
A couple not working – especially “carers” - get benefits (unemployment, Family Allowance, Child Benefit money) extra money from social services for the children until they are 18 years old – it’s why they try to stop contact. If the children are not with them – ALL that money stops– they hardly get any money to live off. So to try and stop the “risk” of the kids having a choice about their own life – they know they need to stop contact. Additionally, if they hate each other – and separate, because the “marriage “ was only about “controlling ownership “ of the kids and money, and that was what was keeping them “together”, then , they each have to live in a one room flat – with hardly enough money to eat. That’s why – all the kids I know who were in care – were heavily spied on and threatened they would be separated or put into Children’s Homes if they made contact with their missing parent. But when the Kids got smart – they realised that if they were sent away – it is the CARERS who LOSE everything – all the money etc. So when the kids started contacting their missing parent – the “carer’s” could not do anything! Without the kids – they had nothing – not even each other.
My friend’s kids – their carer’s tried tricking and bribing them – so that they could “discharge the Care Orders” – and tried telling them they would be free to have more choices. but they did not fall for it. Think about it – a Care Order means the carers the children are living with are considered so dangerous that they are a risk to their own kids. During Care Orders – they are supposed to be sent to parenting classes – learn not be violent, controlling or abusive. If 10 years later – they are WORSE – not better – even knowing that any time the social workers can remove the children from them (whilst under Care Orders) – but they still can’t control their violent abusive tendencies. What are they going to be like when they don’t have anyone watching them? When my friends kids “carers” threatened to tell the social worker they were talking to her – they said “Go ahead. Do it. The day we get taken out of here – you lose all that money – and our dad walks out on you too. You won’t be living here either. You will have to move to a one bedroom flat”. She stood down then. They called her bluff.
Just like our case – their dad had a DBS – which meant if their Care Orders were discharged – their step mum had more legal power than the dad. So if they then ever separated –it’s HIM who LOST the kids directly to her! The kids had LESS CHOICE and LESS CONTROL over their own lives – without Care orders. So they kept the Care Orders for their own security – until they made a decision about their OWN lives. Just because their dad had messed up and married the wrong woman – did not mean they should keep suffering. They now choose to live with their mum and stay over with their dad – whenever they want to.
Just think about it. You are not trapped under Care Orders. They “need you – more than you need them”…Who has the most to lose? Spend time thinking – and coming to your own decisions about the many possibilities. You have a human right to family life, to know both your parents. Ok, if you make a decision after getting to know me, that you don’t really care for me – that would hurt, but at least it would be your own decision.
I have had counseling – and the beauty of it is – that what you first thought was an obstacle – can be a blessing. You may have all these people in your life – ok – you may not like them, and with good reason. But that’s because you are “depending on them” to do things for you, and help you. But they are busy helping themselves – not you. ALL you are doing is sitting in the passenger seat – and the car is not moving, or taking you where you want to go. Well, if you are stuck in a car, it’s not such a bad thing if you become the driver. Is it? If there MUST be people in your life, call in the right people – they will help you manage the situation – and make sure everyone is doing their job, and you have positive benefit.
At least, they will help safeguard you – and maybe even help for us to get in contact again –, so I can stop fretting. It’s making me really ill. I am nearly 56 years old – and will be 60 before I know it. Grandmother Rehana (a LOVELY lady), and my dad, both died when they were 56 years old.
I don’t want to live another day without you
I love you always and forever
Mummy x x
Aug 31 2017